The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 2

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Last nights episode of the Bachelor was really just too good. Its just like, Ben is so hot. Like the kind of hot where you dont realize this has been your face for the past two hours:

But besides that, so much amazing shit happened. Lace continued to be a total maniac (to our amusement of course). Ben showed us his freak side by taking a bunch of blondes on a date and sniffing all of their assholes. And Olivia introduced the world to her mouth.

High School Group Date

Overheard before the date:

“After meeting Ben for the first time last night, I just know hed be the best husband”

Ben is the most perfect guy on the planet in the world

If Ben wanted to do anal on the first date, Id do it.

JK that one didnt happen but you didnt believe it.

When Bachelor-watching-couch-women saw Bens bulge during his mini shower scene:

Okay so first date is at a high school because ben LOVES high schoool. WTF Ben what is your fixation with HS?

Lace wasnt good at school, shocking.

Chris Harrison: The first team to make Bens dick get hard moves on to the next round!

Ben on the apple picking contest:One of the most attractive things about this date is watching these girls sorta make out.

Then Geography:
Chris Harrison: Okay girls, now find Indiana and put it on a map.

Watching these women try to figure out geography is amazing. Is Indiana a carb?

TBH Indiana is a flyover state and no one gives a shit what shape it is.

Now for the finale. So just confirming the theme here: Got it, okay good.

Mandi-Long-Legs beats Amber in the hurdle race. I meannnn as a former track star, those hurdles were for tiny midgets soooo thats embarrassing Amber honey.

Since Beccas wit didnt get her to the basketball round of the date, she decided to show of her moves during the after date. Plus 8996 points.

OOoohhh first kiss by Jennifer. Dont know who you are but nice.

Lace, when she hears Jennifer kissed Ben: Where is my knife Im about to cut a bitch.

Then Lace gets interrupted by someone else


Lace: I’m upset that Ben didnt get to know the real Lace, the one who constantly refers to herself in the third person.

Ben to Lace: YoI gotta hear more about your Denver experiences.
Later, Lace to everyone else: OMG WE HAD A LOVE CONNECTION!!!

Anyone else notice that this is literally every single conversation that happens on this show?
Woman: Im so excited to get to know you
Ben: I know me too I cant wait to learn who you are
Woman: Same. You seem like really interesting to get to know.
Ben: Ditto.
And then dont actually talk about anything.

Meanwhile, back at the house:

Just when we made the comment about empty conversations, Jubilee brings up her childhood. Honestly Jubs, its a little early to pull the poor orphan card. Thats some week 4 shit right there.

Jojo : Ive never in my life felt this happy before. – wowwwww someone needs to get out more.

Date with Caila

Kevin Hart and Ice Cube walk into the living room filled with the girls in shorts and crop tops:

Im not really sure Ride Along, featuring one of the lead guys of NWA, is the Bachelor viewers’ demo but I guess whatever. Seeing Ben standing next to Kevin Hart was worth it.

Women watching on their couches: What is an Cube?

First they stop on the road to buy flowers from a homeless guy. Then they stop at a liquor store. They gonna pick up a prostitute next? Anything to use the HOV lane…

Ben to Ice Cube: Its morning time so not trying to buy liquor or condoms. Usually in the morning my mom just makes me happy face pancakes and then packs my backpack.

Ben to Caila: Whats your favorite color?– Wow, the chemistry is unreal!

Wait, YELLOW!? Ugh. Bitch prob loves the Wizard of Oz.

After their really romantic date at a hot tub rental store, the two get rewarded with dinner at like a local pizza place with a B health rating.

Ben: What are you looking for in a guy?
Caila: Really just someone who complements me.
Ben: Nice
Caila: Yeah just like someone who can tell me Im hot 2-7 times a day.

Amos Lee is cute and all but like, his song is featured in Toy Story further proving Ben is like, 5 years old.

Love Lab Group Date

Ooo Ben, so romantic. It might be nice if data could lead me to my match.

The Doctor who was most likely hired off Craigslist: Now Ben, you will smell all of the girls. No not their neck, lower tee hehehe.

The Russian is worried about smelling like cabbage.But she hasnt had borscht in like, 2 weeks!

Ben: She smells flowery, she smells fruity, and this one smells likea giant doodie.

Next is the heat test:

The Doctor: Please lie back on the bed. Now enter her. – Is this The Bachelor or Masters of Sex?

Olivia def thinks she looks like Cameron Diaz

What if you suddenly saw his dick rise on the heat monitor?

Well that was fucking stupid, they needed doctors to tell everyone that he thought Olivia was hot and that Samantha looked like a Chihuahua?

It was really fucking awkward though that they’re like . You can go shave your back now.

– Amanda

Ben on second chances: Can I smell you again ?
Samantha: Yes!
Ben: Yeah nope still smells like shit

Amanda: I have 2 little kids, does that scare you?
Ben: Kids dont scare me. Lace scares me.

And Olivia gets the date rose, further confirming that all men think with their dicks.

Rose Ceremony

Observations about Olivia:
– Def here to be the Bachelorette
– Def a huge bitch IRL

Lace: I know Im coming off really crazy right
Ben: Ummm yaaaaaa

Lace: I was really dorky looking as a kid.
Ben: Oh thats great I dont care at all.

Lace, this is the Bachelor. Sorry but your weird haircut in 4th grade isnt going to compete with Jubilees adoption or Amandas kids.

Amanda is like the type-B personality version of Michelle Money.

Ben: Here are some hair things I bought at Michaels for 20 cents.
Amanda: ::starts bawling::

When Amanda puts the hair bow on his hair a collective AWWWW is heard from all the couches around the world.

Hold on. LB isnt Lauren B? I am so confused.

Anyway LB leaves. Peace. Now finally we can call Lauren B. just Lauren!

Oh no wait theres still a Lauren H. Fuck. Lauren H. looks just like Laura Derns, whose name sounds just like Lauren. I am too high for this.

Ben pronounces Shushanna like shoe shiner. Just fell off my couch laughing. Ben, just because shes Eastern European, doesnt mean shes like a fucking shoe cobbler.

Ah and sour smelling Samantha gets sent home. Poor girl. The only one who’s an attorney is the one who goes home meanwhile occupation “twin” gets to stick around.

New Bachelor Tank Alert!!

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